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Happy New Year!

Happy New Year everyone!! Hope everyone had a safe New Year celebration. We just had tons of snow yesterday so we just stayed home and watched some movies. Though Craig and I would've loved to have spent time with our friends. But road conditions were pretty bad. So I'm glad everyone stayed home, and stayed safe and warm. Um, not much has been going on with me just the usual things like getting ready for spring semester at Normandale, finding a place (now were just waiting to see if a studio apartment will be available in March or sooner.), losing weight, and now trying to figure out Craig and I's schedule. His work schedule got all screwed up because he's boss is a freakin jerk. She hates me and tries to mess up Craig's schedule so we're never able to spend time together. >.< It's so frustrating because I worked really hard to fit my class schedule into Craig's work one so we'd be working and going to school the same times so we can still do things together. But now it looks like the only time I'll ever see Craig is when we're going to sleep. But yeah...so I'm bummed out about that. But I got some really exciting news!!! Hopefully right after classes start I'm going to be getting back into riding!! I'm super excited I just hope everything goes as planned. Maybe this time I'll be able to drag Craig to the barn with me. :) Katie wants to start riding too. So maybe we'll be able to have lessons together again like old times. :) But anyways, hope you all are well. :) I'm still trying to figure out my New Year Resolutions. Haha. :3

Riding, School, Illness

I've been having the worst couple of weeks for me anyways. First off, Christmas was a disaster..I was stuck at home in bed struggling to breathe, and hacking a lung...AND spent about 60% of the time in the bathroom ralphing. But I had My Chemical Romance to keep me company. Thought I wished Craig was home to bring me soup in bed and rub my back. I still feel like crap I've already had 6 asthma attacks within the last week. So I'm leaning towards caving in a going visit the good ol' doc. But yeah. That was my Christmas. Umm..I still need to get my books and supplies for classes soon so I'm currently on the school website checking to see what I need for my classes bookwise so we know how much that's going to cost us until my loans kick-in. Craig's been an absolute sweetheart with helping me out with school and everything. I know he's worried about me and my happiness lately. I know he's worried about me not being able to breathe comfortably. As for my happiness I've been feeling depressed lately. I don't know why though. Maybe it's just because of Craig's new work schedule and the whole moving again,bills, school, missing riding, and spending time with just Craig. I feel like I don't get out of the house much though in reality I do. I go for two one-hour walks with Pascal and sometimes I'll go to Burger King and sit in the lobby waiting for Craig to finish closing for the night. Plus I go out on Friday and Saturdays with Katie, Joe and Craig. I feel like a part of me is missing and it's my equine part. I've been thinking alot about getting back into riding again. And I know I've said this before and I did for a little bit but my nerves got the better of me. Last time I freaked out at seeing Laura set up some small fences. I couldn't bring myself to jump them and the sad thing is that they were only 2 feet tall. I was riding Jazz with a hackamore and she's the sane one to get back into jumping again with. But she's a big mare and the ground is seems farther than it really is. All I saw was Charlie refusing the fence and me flying through the air and landing on a pole, flower box, and a jump standard. Breaking the pole and flower box. I remember just lying there hearing people far away calling my name and seeing if I was okay and Charlie's soft muzzling nosing me to see if I was okay. The poor baby I felt so bad for him. He was scared of me for the longest time. Laura said he was afraid he might hurt me again. Though it wasn't his fault. Ever since that day I can't bring myself to trot over a tiny x. I thought about getting into a different riding style. I thought about dressage, I have a friend from the old barn I used to ride at who does dressage and she said it worked for her to get over her nerves of riding and eventually jumping. She was a similar accident as me. So, tomorrow I thought about looking for a dressage trainer and see if I can get lessons setup for a week after classes start. I need to be around horses again. Maybe dressage is the right thing to do. I just need a change of pace. I still love jumping but I'm scared to death to do it. Maybe I should look into seeing a sports therapist and see if I can work out whatever it is that I need to work out. I don't know I'm just babbling now. lol. Well, I'm gonna go lie down and see if I can get an hour or two of sleep. :)



I'm going to keep this short seeing as how I'm not in the mood to do a proper update on here. All I'm going to say is that Craig and I had a bad fight and I've been upset and crying for the last two hours. But I'll tell you guys all about it sometime soon. I just don't feel like sharing right now. But I love you guys and I hope you all have a wonderful week and I'll comment soon.


Decisions About Spring of '07

Not much has been going on with me since my last update which I believe was a few days ago...if not a day ago. I've just been doing a lot of thinking about what I should do this next year. So I've decided to go back to school at least part-time ..maybe full-time but it depends on how things are going by December. I just want to sit down at talk with Craig and see what he thinks and if we have the money to get the things I'll need for school like books...cause last time Normandale screwed me over with my loans and I had to pay like $352.58 for books. ><

So, I would like to talk to him about if logically I can go to school..maybe even get a full-time or part-time job while I'm at school. But I don't know it depends on a lot of things right going right or as "right" as they can go if you know what I mean. So far we owe like $3,000 (roughly) from court stuff and bills combined. So I'm keeping my fingers crossed that 1) Craig gets his *stupid* shift-lead at Burger Bitches..even though I'll get to see him less and less it seems like. 2) I'm able to get a job to pull my weight and help Craig earn money for the both of us. But knowing my luck I'll probably won't be able to find a decent job that pays decent AND that would work with me and Craig about the whole "one car is driveable" thing and of course if I decide to go to school and take classes then they would need to not screw me over like Wal-Mart did. I've already had to give up my dream of going to a 4-Year University on the East Coast somewhere (if I got accepted..which wouldn't have been a problem..^^) But yeah. So that's what I've been thinking about.

Oh and I've also decided to start getting myself into riding-shape so when we do have extra money I'll be able to ride again and start competeing. If I didn't have accident in '02 I probably would've been my trainers top rider for our barn and been doing the bigger shows in the tri-state area...like Mason City or the State Fair's Hunter Shows etc. But because my trainer and the doctor both told me to take it easy for a year or two just so I can let my hip heal in peace. But when I was riding this last winter surprisingly my hip doesn't bother me when I post at the working trot for 20 minutes!! O.O Which is nice because when I first got back in the saddle after my accident and I'm ashamed to say this but I was scared shitless of Charlie who my trainer made me ride him because he was just as tramatized as me so we needed to both get back in the saddle again so to speak.(weird for a TB to get back in the saddle^^)..my poor big brown lovely baby. But anyways, it hurt a lot but now it only hurts when I'm walking on my own two feet. I love being on horseback I can get around easier with hardly no pain..especially during the cold months or when its rainy out. But horses have healed me in the past and I know they can do it again. They have some kind of special power that I can't quite put my finger on that helps people battle all sorts of things from: accidents to depression. I guess people are right and a horse or horses really are good for the inside of a man..in this case a woman.

Horses are so calming and I love watching them gallop over fields of tall grass ,coming up to you at the pasture fence for a scratch or maybe a tasty carrot. They seem to know when your hurting and somehow they take the pain away and replace it with love and understanding. Charlie and I had a very special bond which sadly almost shattered after the accident...but I'm glad it didn't because we found that perfect partnership that not so many equestrians are able to find with horses except for all us lucky ones..which is a shame that everyone can't know what its like. It's simply beautiful, too amazing for words seeing as how there really isn't words in the english language or any language to descibe how beautiful and amazing it is...the only exception would probably be Equus. But one day..hopefully soon I'll find another horse I can have the special bond if one could have another "special bond" with another horse. Until then I gotta suffer through all my Equine-related dreams..well not suffering in a bad way but just suffering like how every girl and boy had suffered the horse-fever...I still do and I don't think it'll go away until I have my one special friend that has four strong legs, beautiful pricked ears, a swishing tail, a flowing mane, delicate soft velvet nose, and nickers when they see you.

But that's a dream that I can only dream about for now and not make into reality as much as it would make me extremely happy and make me feel better seeing as how I've been suffering from Depression and PTSD (Post-Tramatic Stress Disorder) since I can remember. But yeah so its a nice dream to hold on too.

Ain't Life Grand??

Today was another one of those "days" where you just want to give up and die but you don't want too. I'm just so tired of how things have been going and it just seems like nothing is going to work out. Craig's right when he told me this the other day. We go to fix one thing and get that fixed but another thing pops up that needs fixing somehow. I worry about Craig and about how stressed out he's getting and I know my whole I-Hate-BURGER-BITCHES attitude towards certain co-workers isn't helping any. I try so hard to stay calm and put on a false smile to seem like I'm thrilled about him working with those idiots who don't appreciate him and what he has done for them. I hate seeing him being used...and he's been getting tired again just like how he was a Wal-Mart when he worked there. I don't know how to tell him that he needs to tell people to stop using him and let him have the days off that he needs. Burger Bitches screwed him already and now they are doing it again. He's working 4pm to 1am today closing and tomorrow he has to be at work at 11am to 8pm to make up for yesterdays court thing. I feel so old and tired, I shouldn't be feeling so old but I can't help it. Have you ever had days like that? I wish I could just put my head under my pillow and suffocate myself. But that won't solve our money problems.

I think I've figured out why I get so jealous of work needing Craig and girls or in this case "Jail Bait" wanting to be with him. I hate feeling alone just all how everyone else hates being alone. I love being near him and listening to him talk or just his breathing. I feel so peaceful and happy when he's with me and when he's not I put my guard up and I get all tense until he comes home. I'm safe with him and I know that I am safe even when he's gone but considering what happened to me in my past I feel like someone is out to get me and I don't know when or where its going to happen. I feel like I can't breathe and I feel like I'm a trapped animal that's trying desperately to naw at their leg to get out of a hunter's trap. Sometimes I just want to give up and give in to my problems but I know I can't because I know there are people out there who need me and I know Craig needs me and I sure as hell know I need all of you. But I'm scared that Craig will leave me for someone younger or prettier and it hurts to even think that even though he DOES tell me he WON'T ever leave me and that he wants to be with me always. I believe him when he tells me that but my brain is just stuck on this whole "He's gonna leave you" bit. My dad left me and found a new family. Everyone tends to leave me behind and I try to catch up but I fail.

I just want to be happy and feel loved and I am happy and I am loved by a very special guy. Craig doesn't seem to think that he's a great catch as my mom puts it, but I do. He surprises me every day with something new and I love that. Sometimes we fight and we might hate each other for a second but we don't because we love each other so much so we forgive and forget...me the forgetting ain't to easy for me but I'm learning and he's learning that he can depend on other people and he is learning to accept the right kind of love from someone who truly cares about him and his well-being. I guess I'm kinda like a mother hen when it comes to his well-being. I love him so much that when he comes home from work I always have to look him over for new cuts and make a big fuss over him. I know he doesn't like it when I do it...lol...but he lets me do it anyways. Ain't that cute? He fusses over me too even when I tell him its nothing but a scratch. I don't care too much about what happenes to me..well I do but to a point. XD Ain't I so nice to myself?? Hehe. I honestly don't know where the hell I'm going with this I guess I just need to write just to waste so Craig can come home and I can relax a little before he goes to work again in the morning. Anywho....

So enough about my little "problems" I just found out a little while ago that Katie likes a new guy named Sam. Ooooh!! Katie and Sam sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G....hehehe just giving you crap you know I love you. Hehe. I hope she found the guy she's been looking for...a nice, charming, nerdy,friendly guy who she can be happy with. You deserve it Katie as my mom likes to tell me before every fight with Craig...She can smell'em a mile away she tells me to not to screw it up. So Katie...Don't screw it up. Just remember that you found the greatest guy and that you are the luckiest girl in the whole world to have him like you back. :) So don't worry be happy.

I guess...I just looked at what I wrote and I feel like I wrote a freaking novel. Hehe. I suppose I should go and set up a game of G.R.A.W for Craig and myself and perhaps get some food ready for my lover. I feel much better after writing. Why is that??? Well take care and be good.

Rai "Sea Monkey"

Can things get any worse??

Well, so much for thinking that everything is just peachy. We went to Craig's S.T.S orientation today only to get lost with some dumb map that someone thought actually made sense. We tried turning around only to realize that we couldn't go past a certain point due to the fact that only police officers and their gay little cars were allowed to be back there. Which is totally understandable BUT then we get pulled over in the court parking lot only to find out that Craig's license had been revoked. No one informed us of that change via mail or actually telling us when we were at the courthouse the last time. Stupid people. So now we can't go anywhere in our car.

So we have another fine to pay which is like "GRRR!" but hey that's life I guess. ..

On a very sad note Craig's Grandpa passed apparently everyone thinks on Sunday. Nobody found him until today. Craig's mom called and talked to him while we were in Stillwater dealing with Craig's S.T.S stuff. So we have to deal with that on top of everything else.

So me being extremely stressed out and pissed at how we are getting screwed by everyone in the world [EXCEPT by our friends :)]I had flipped out at this other Rachel who works at Burger King or "Burger Bitches" as I like to call them. Everyone there has been calling Craig "Wonka" ever since he started working there and it usually doesn't bother me too much but today it did and I told her to stop fucking calling him Wonka. He has a REAL name so use it. I feel bad now that I realized that I should have just kept my mouth shut and left. But I talked to Stefan since he told us to call him to see if we were all gonna play G.R.A.W still and instead I vented to him about how everything in our lives suck ass. So...yeah...I hope everyone elses lives are going better than ours. Missing you all! <3

Rai "Sea Monkey"

~ First Entry ~

Hi everyone,
I've missed everyone who was on my other journal. (Shar, Ash, Katie, Joe and everyone else who I didn't list I missed you just as much.) A lot has happened since I last updated. I moved twice in one year, fell in love with an amazing guy named Craig, I have the most wonderful caring friends in the whole world and one dysfunctional corgi boy who I love to death. I'm gonna have to keep this short for now because my love wants me to play G.R.A.W (Ghost Recon Advanced Warfare) for like eight long hours. But I guess I do love that game. XD

Tomorrow I'll properly update this LJ so you all will know what has happened these last few months. I love you all and be good. Don't worry and be happy.


Profile will be updated soon I promise. :) <3


Ride 2 Live

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January 2007


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